Still in shock...

I don't even know how to write this post..I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones, the shock, or the fact I got up too early today but I can't even figure out what emotion I feel. Wonder maybe? Blessed? Happy...happy for sure. Mostly SHOCK! 

Let's see...last Friday they did an "early" ultrasound, I was still bleeding and they wanted to give me some piece of mind and verify things were okay. We went in hoping to see a baby, maybe a heartbeat, and hoping that even thou I had all the bleeding things were perfectly normal. Well...we did see a baby! And a perfect little heartbeat! The baby measured at 6 weeks and 1 day which is exactly right. We were so happy. I did have a small tear in my placenta, which could have caused some of the bleeding. The tear was already starting to heal and they were not to worried about it. They tried measuring the heart beats per minute but it was too faint, too early to get a good read on it. They were happy and felt extreemly reassured that the blood was not a sign of something majorly wrong. 

But that was not it....there it was...a second spot! When my doctor saw it she thought the spot was a twin I was miscarrying, it appeared smaller and didn't have a heartbeat. They assumed that was causing the bleeding. But then her assistant saw a second yoak sac! They couldn't see a heartbeat, but when they measured the second sac It measured perfectly :) 6 weeks 1 day just like twin A. She told us she was really optimistic that it was simply too early to see the second heartbeat and asked me to come back in the following week.

Today was my 7 week appointment. I read about a million cases of the same thing happening to people. Seeing twins but only 1 heartbeat. It was about a 50/50 spilt between going back to see the second and the other twin simply disappearing (disappearing twin syndrome, where it is just absorbed by the body) Adam had a work retreat so Samantha came with me to get our answers after yet another long week! And....we are officially the proud parents of two perfectly sized twins with two perfect little heartbeats! While we didn't get to hear the heartbeats yet they were able to measure them. Twin A's heart rate was 124 and twin B's 136. Both in the perfectly normal range. 

We are elated...shocked....happy...so in love with our two little nuggets! It's funny, I just had two of the most emotional unreal months of my life. I am drained, tired, still sick from all the meds. And still scared because I am still on restrictions due to the bleeding. But none of that really matters today/anymore. All I know is that we best the odds, we had a successful IVF on the FIRST try! Not only did one of our embies decided to stay with us but TWO of them did! It's almost like having two successful IVF rounds in one! 

I am writing this post in the Seattle airport at midnight getting ready to board a plane home to Indiana for a wedding. We have not told our families it's twins yet! We are thrilled we get to tell them in person, keeping it a secret for the last week has been ROUGH! I don't know how people hide it until they are further along! It's toooo exciting not to share! For now I will simply save this post and keep it a secret for a couple more days :) 6/26/2014

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The shit they don't tell you about IVF

Now that we have finished our first IVF cycle I thought I would share some of the stuff I learned along the way that was NOT in any sort of flyer! The world of infertility is a strange foreign place and it helped me so much along the way to have lots of information, and lots of women to talk to who we're going thru the same thing. So here goes the shit no one tells you....

1. I cannot stress this point enough if your thinking about IVF, look into "guarantee" programs!!! Guarantee programs or multiple cycle programs give you multiple tries at IVF for one fixed price.If unsuccessful  and you don't not bring a baby home you get your money back. You can read more about attain programs here: Our IVF Diary- you gotta baby in there?: IVF through Attain Fertility
It's so sad to me how many IVF ladies did not know programs like this existed! There is so much riding on This and I can't imagine the heartbreak of the cycle not working on top of thinking well there went 22k and when we are ready to start again it's another 22k! Right now I am pregnant and having a lot of complications it's very scary but the one thing that helps keep me grounded is we have more tries waiting for us if this does not turn out how we hope!

2. The drugs make you extremely bloated! I never really experienced bloat during a period so I had no idea what this would be like! I gained about 5 pounds during my stim meds which is normal but went up about two sizes! As soon as I had my egg retrieval the pounds disappeared and bloating went down within a couple days.

3. As soon as your feeling back to normal after the egg retrieval you start progesterone...and it sucks! Bloating bloating and more bloating. Lots of nausea, achy bones, and general feeling of ickyness!

4. If your not scared of needles you will be! I have never been even a little scared of needles but after
endless blood draws and shots you will learn to HATE needles!

5. Your veins can go "bad" after so many blood draws if your using the same vein they will get harder and harder to get blood out of. By the time they were trying to put in my IV for the egg retrieval the had to try 5 different times to get a good vein.

6. When you unpack your meds label and organize them! There are so many it's hard to keep up and being organized makes it easier on days your running behind.

7.  Naps are your new best friend...I have not taken a nap in my entire adult life...now it's a daily occurrence! Between the meds and the emotional roller coaster your sleepy all the time!

8. Most annoying side effect of the stim meds....headaches 24/7

9. Follistim is the easiest shot...Menopur BURNS! No way to stop it.

10. The trigger shot is scarier than it looks. It's just another shot.

11. Your robbed of that..."oh my gosh look at the two lines we are pregnant!!" Moment. If you get a positive pregnancy test you still have to have a second HCG test before they declare you pregnant. So you basically are in this weird limbo for a few days...are we excited or not? I am almost 6 weeks pregnant and I am still in this limbo. I have had 3 HCG test they all come out nice and high. But I bleed almost every day. So while I am pregnant there could be something wrong...we just want to relax and celebrate but it's not an option for us. Yet.

12. Your husband even as amazing as he is, as supportive, and caring as he is. It won't be right! His reactions to things, his support will piss you off...he doesn't understand. Just remember he is trying, and no no one in the world knows exactly what your going thru, but they try. Just remember this as you want to rip your husbands head off because he is answering work emails while you think he should be watching you inject yourself with the umpteenth needle.

13. You will discover you have 3 types of friends if your open about your IVF journey. 1. The ones that don't really acknowledge that your going thru any of this. The idea that something as "private" as baby making has become a weird routine of medical procedures and daily activities for you makes them uncomfortable. 2. The ones that want to know the pertinent info. Most of your friends/family fit into this category. They are genuinely interested, care, and want to know how things are going, they think of you, pray for you,but never want to overstep your boundaries. Then you have the 3rd kind the ones that want to know exactly when your period starts, watch you inject yourself and will tell you your crazy when your crying over the fact that you chipped a nail. They won't feel sorry for you they will just be there for you then help you to the next step. I imagine for each person what they need during a fertility journey. For me I needed friend number 3 while I appreciate the other types of people, I  NEED the 3rd. I need someone to go over every detail with me, to google the symptoms, and to make me laugh when I don't know what else to feel.


14. The 4th friend.. A whole new friend I didn't know I would love or need so much! The Instagram community! You would NOT believe the infertility community on Instagram! I got to go thru my cycle real time with women all over the world. There were at least 8 other girls having the exact same procedures as me within a few days of me. It was great to get on and say "how many eggs did you get?"  "Did you have this happen?"  " is this symptom normal?"  The only thing I would recommend doing that I didn't is having a second IVF/fertility account than your personal account. I didn't think to do this at first because I am very open. However there have been a few times I wanted to ask weird kinda TMI questions to my IVF sisters that I didn't want to have to expose my co-workers etc to. Like "did anyone have clotting with their implantation bleeding?"

15. IVF takes over your life!! There is no way around it. Multiple doctor appointments, sickness from the meds. Etc. your whole life is run on the cycle. Guess it's preparing us for when a baby runs our life!

16. Most importantly none of it is more than you can handle, everyone from your doctors to your friends/family are there to help you. You will get thru it!

We can't believe it!!

      We can't believe it and are still in shock....but we gotta baby in here!! I always thought it would work, but can't believe it worked on the first try! After years of blood work, tears, shots, surgeries, we are now just a "normal" couple expecting a baby! 

     We of course didn't make it thru our TWW (two week wait) without any hiccups! On Wednesday I started spotting, which quickly turned into heavy bleeding and clots :( I thought it was over. It was devastating! I assumed the bleeding was my period we had a very long night of crying and searching the internet to find any possibility of pregnancy after such a heavy bleed. Dr google and my nurse I called at my RE all said it didn't sound good and to prepare for the worse. 

     Luckily I didn't have to wait long my appointment to have the blood pregnancy test was on Thursday morning. My nurse told me we really wouldn't know either way that day because if I showed pregnant they would need to confirm I didn't miscarry the baby by checking my levels a couple days later.  Anything over a 50 on the terse is positive...on Thursday my HCG levels were 264. So we knew it worked! We just didn't know if we were still pregnant. The day before my bleed I was very busy at work getting ready of a big event and I was tossing around big heavy 50 pound boxes, my nurse told me that could have caused the bleeding and a misscarriage. 

    So,we waited two more days. Saturday morning we drove to Seattle for our 2nd beta test. Our appointment was early and quick. Just the blood work and back home to wait for,that phone call. To be honest I thought it was over...when I first had the transfer I had all these cramps, tingles, movements in my tummy. But the longer it went the less I felt any different. Adam on the other hand never gave up hope he was just sure our two little embie sap were staying for life!

    The call came quick...quicker than we expected. I answerd the phone barely being able to breath. The nurse made idel chit chat....how are you...oh fine you? The whole time I was trying to read her voice is this a happy call? Or the call she probably dreads? Then she said it...well your HCG is level is....768!!!! Congratulations your officially pregnant everything looks great! I was in shock! I let her finish telling me that the thyroid test etc they ran were also normal so we are all set. Then I realized I didn't know what to do next everything with my RE was about getting pregnant, I always knew the next step. Is this fails then we try this...if your period starts then we start stims...etc. I quickly thought back to all my paperwork...there was no info beyond 2nd beta to confirm pregnancy. So I asked the nurse...ummm what do we do now? She laughed like she had gotten this dumbfounded question a million times. And let me know I just needed to schedule a 7 week ultrasound where they could confirm how many of the embryos took. (My numbers are consistent with just the one taking...or that both took and the blood was me loosing one) and we should get to see a heartbeat too! We hung up the phone and Adam just looked at me and said I told you so! I have never been so happy to concied he was right...I was wrong. 

                            Look at me keeping my NYE resolutions! 

    We spent the next hour calling our family and friends to let them know, it was the best! Samantha had planned to be here when we got the call but it came so quick she missed it! She called when on her way and I told her we hadn't heard yetto  but to hurry over cause we wanted to go to lunch to kill time. We were getting in the car to go to lunch and I just blurted it out. She was in shock kinda hugged me, acted confused, and then got in the car. About 5 minutes into the drive she started crying and said it just hit her. We are so so lucky to have amazing friends and family to share this journey with. I know it's "taboo" to share to soon, or not proper etquitte but honestly I wouldn't have it any other way. Our family is the world to both of us having a child is not just about Adam and I. It's about our family our babies will become who they are because of our family not just because of us. Having their support and our amazing friends support has been amazing! There is also no way to get thru something as forgien as making a human in a test tube without the help of a lot of ladies who have been thru it before! I am so lucky to have some family who had IVF and then to meet an amazing group of ladies going thru it real time with me! Okay enough of my oscar speech! Just wanted all of you to know how much you mean to us! 

We gotta baby in here!!