You know that old saying...If you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all? Well I kinda live by the rule...If you don't have something nice to say keep it off the Internet! One of my biggest pet peeves in life is someone constantly making themselves a victim...and bragging about it on the Internet. So that's why my radio silence for the last month or so! I was a victim of February and most of March! I got knocked down a few too many times and was feeling sorry for myself. I didn't have anything positive to say...had little hope for anything good coming, and all energy I had I spent at pretending to be happy at work. Wah wah wah poor me right! So here is a quick run-down of February.
Feb. 4th My doctor emailed to tell me she would be canceling my upcoming IVF cycle because my hormone levels and glucose levels were both out of whack. She wanted me to see a specialist before going forward
Feb 5th I woke up extremely sick
Feb 7th I found out that the earliest I could get into the specialist was March 25th! Over a month away! Which delayed my cycle even more. I also assumed I would need some sort of treatment after pushing it back more.
Feb 9th I woke up with a cold sore! (which I know is silly...but so annoying on top of everything else and being sick still!)
Feb 10th I went to the doctor and Found out I had bronchitis and a sinus infection
Feb 12th I broke out with weird hives all over my body that lasted two days
Feb 17th I went back to the Doctor as I was not getting better...to find out that I now had Bronchitis, a sinus infection and pneumonia! My meds cost $400 dollars out of pocket even with our great insurance!
I officially had it with February...and on top of that I am living in Washington so it was wet, raining and crappy outside.
Feb. 18th I started my period. I shouldn't have gotten this period...I should have been on stimulation drugs ready for my egg retrieval. Getting my period was a huge reminder of this. A huge reminder that I wouldn't have a baby in my arms come next November like we had planned.
Feb. 19th I ran out of tampons....This oddly was my biggest breakdown. I called my dad in tears and tried to tell him through my sobbing I was upset I ran out of tampons!! He of course Laughed at me...like any sane person would! (let me also take this time to say that while I am overly emotional...I am NEVER affected by my period...have never had PMS or changes in my mood durring or around my period) this was simply me being overwhelmed and feeling like I lost something. I was finally going to be pregnate...I was finally going to get our baby...and now I had no date..nothing to look forward to excpet a date with a doctor that had nothing to do with babbies! Adam was working late and I called him with my tampon delema he of course didnt know how to handle me crying over tampons other than to say he would pick some up. I was a mess...I sat that night and cried...and felt sorry for myself for a good 4 hours. All the time knowing I was crazy...knowing I needed to get over it. Knowing that my life is blessed and perfect...but I didnt care I was sick, sad, and just wanted to pout. Just before they canceled my cycle I was at the fertility clinic 2 times a week...now I hadnt been back in over a month...I felt like I got kicked out of some sorta future mommy club! Its right by Target so when Adam and I drive by we say oh...there is that place we used to go...we miss them...hope they let us back in soon! :)
This went on for a few more weeks....the sadness was quickly replaced with just trying to get through the work day being so sick. It took until March 12th before I left the house for anything other than work. We went out for Saint Patricks day..being out with my husband and friends, and laughing again was euphoric! Being simply happy felt like I was ontop of the world. Good ole St. Pat making me feel better!
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| The hubby and I on St. Paddys Day |
So March 25th came...the specialist ran a bunch of test and told me everything was totally normal! Nothing to worry about, .she gave me the OK to move forward with IVF and she will just monitor when I get pregnate. So I am BACK IN THE CLUB! I actually could have moved forward with a April cycle, but we will be in Cabo durring key times of the cycle so we had to post-pone yet again until May, (sunny beautiful vacation in Cabo with the friends and family not the worse reason to have to delay...but I would much rather be preggers1)
I am still a little sick...and having a lot of issues with my asthma due to the pneumonia but now that I can step away from it all I can finally realise that I was no victim! I was only in a small rut I couldnt quite get out of, Clearly I was not meant to be pregnat while being THAT sick! I also can now travel a lot more comfortably on our vacation. I wont be worried about playing, going out on 4-wheelers or anything like that. (I can also take advantage of the all inclusive bloody marys and Margaritas!) We also had a staffing problem at work where I was missing my assistant for most of Feb and all of March so it would have been really inconvient for me to have constant doctor apointments the IVF cycle calls for. Of course I would give all this up to be pregnate right now..but knowing its coming knowing there is a plan again..that I will soon be back at the sacrade baby making building is a great comfort.
Okay sorry for the long update...and the radio silence! Here's to surriving my first breakdown!
